R&J FTW!

once upon a time, there were these two families that lived in this little town in italy and they were totally not friends. not even awkward acquaintance facebook friends. they hated each other, and whenever they saw each other f2f, they totally fought. they were like rival gangs, but tied together by blood instead of, like, guilt and protection to sell drugs peacefully.

ok so here's the sitch: J belonged to family C and R to M. they totally hooked up... wtf? why would they even think to do this, i dunno. maybe J wanted to piss off her rents, maybe R just wanted to get over that other chick. anyway, the day after they hooked up they got married! craziness! omg, i forgot to say J was only 14 and R was, like, 16. wtf?????

after the wedding, R went to the beach to hang with his boys and ended up almost getting killed by J's cuz, T! shiiiiiiiit! T kills R's bff, M and R got so pissed that he drove his car really fast and shot T for offing M! J's gonna be soooo peeved! that was her cuz, yo!

but instead of being super pissed off at R, she hooked up with him again! omg, and J's rents totally thought she was still going to marry this other douche, P. she totally hated him though and really was into R instead. she went off on her rents, and they slapped her around, mafia-family-style.

anywho, R had to get the eff outta dodge, bc he totally shot T! J faked her own death so she could escape and be with R, but R's homey walked in on the funeral and mizundaztoooooood the whole trick! he went and peeped the news to R in the desert and R flipped his shit. omg! he TOTALLY FLIPPED. (oh, and p.s., there was a letter from the priest who was in on the scheme and R never got it because DHL effed up! shiiiit!)

he went back to town and found her in the crypt, dead (even though she was just fake poisoned and about to wake up any second), and tried to get some more of dat and made out with her (ew.). but then he decided to off himself anyway, and drank some poison that he had bought from this dude. she woke up right then, obvs, saw him dying, cried, tried to get some poison from his mouth, failed, and shot herself all over R. totes tragedy.

If you could live in a different decade, which would you pick?

This was one of the questions from the Table Topics game that my family played on Thanksgiving. I chose no decade, but I would rather live right now, what with being a woman and all and enjoying my rights and body. However, I think I'm over evaluating this concept. I would pick the 1970s, for the decor and costume. The clothes! The glitz! The glamor! I would have been a stewardess, or television actress, or hairdresser.

But the year is 2008. And I'm a waitress.

Today at work my general manager (big baby-faced Italian 40-something) told one of the Mexicans on the line to buy him a ticket to Cancun for Christmas. And to throw in a lady as well. I yelled down the line that you haven't been able to properly buy a woman since 1954. This sparked a half-baked response about Prostitutes/Sex-Slave Trafficking/Gold Diggers, that began with "Listen to Woman's Lib down there!".

Woman's Lib?!

Maybe I am living in the 1970s.

Fun with Fotos

I got my hair cut today.



Just kidding. I wish I had the guts to cut my hair off like that. It actually still looks like this:



This is what I would look like if the aliens finally showed up:



And these just make me laugh:




I'm soo STRONG!



Baaaaahahahahaha!



Oh man I just saw an ad for Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Snow Dogs. Remember when he won that award for the quality of his acting? Snow Dogs!

Off to Christopher House Orientation! Hopefully it goes really well and everyone shows up.

Things I'm For

In light of the hella positive outcome of this presidential election, I'm going to enlighten you three readers with a little insight into my political platform. As you can imagine, there are certain ideals I support, and certain things I am against. Also, there are some things I don't give a shit about.

I'm For:
DVR
Reality TV
Heart-shaped pillows
Olive oil
Pro-Choice
Moisturizer
Flats
Free parking
Lipstick
Sandwiches
Beer
Gossip Girl
Japan
Tweed
Cupcakes

I'm Against:
Fear-mongering
Hate
Sandpaper
Coconut
Cherry-flavoring
FOX News
Snakes
Colds
Fur
Fake Designer shit
ESPN
Ruffles

I don't give a shit about:
The Hills
Math
Xbox 360
NASA
Claymation
Football
The Army
Lipliner
Balloons

Also I have a few major craft projects in the works that are really exciting and I'll post pics when they're ready!

Sew Sassy

I recently glued/ironed together a skirt for my Halloween costume. I'm going to dress myself in the fashion of Gogo Yubari from the first volume of Kill Bill. Thusly, I made a blue plaid skirt for the grand total of $8, buttons and all.

I have begun my obligatory early-twenties stage of make-believe fashion designer. I'm going to buy a sewing machine from ebay or craigslist or an estate sale or something. I'm NOT paying full price for one of those things. I'm going to design some shit and create a persona and audition for project runway probably.

Californication is on (demand)!

The good news is it's Thursday night and the following shows are going to be recorded tonight:

1. Kath and Kim
2. The Office
3. Ugly Betty
4. Grey's Anatomy (I hate myself)

Also, I may drink in celebration of the fact that my dentist told me today that I can brush away my cavities! And I don't have to have root canals or fillings! Just fluoride toothpaste and another visit in January for a cleaning! The miracles of modern dentistry.

Anyway, I'm taking a sewing class at Jo-Ann Fabrics next months. Let me know if you would like me to fashion you a garment--I need the practice.

Do Yourself A Favor...

...And get to know Sarah Vowell. I heard her on This American Life a few months ago and I liked her. I saw her on The Daily Show just now and I liked her a lot more, and after an extensive internet search that included youtube AND wikipedia, I now think she is my new favorite. My new favorite historian/novelist/radio personality/comedian/social commentator/Pixar voice actor.

First of all, her last name is Vowell and she is a writer! HA! And she writes about American history, most recently about the Puritans from Massachusetts. She collects Abraham Lincoln memorabilia (bookend heads, statues, totem poles), and other historical shit. I'm guessing she reads a lot too, because most people who write about History have to read about History first, in order to write about it with different words the second time around. Otherwise, it wouldn't be History, it would just be lies.

I would like to live in a perfect unapologetic nerdy existence, like she does in her Chelsea apartment, with maps of the Autumnal wind patterns of the U.S. on the wall behind her desk. I would also love to be able to produce something that reflects my general notions, inklings and ponderings... you know, something other than a blog. Oh, and I would loooove to not wait tables anymore, that would be tops.

Here she is:



Great, right?

My sinuses are about to rupture, and that is the only thing keeping me awake right now.

New Mad Men was flippin fantastic, Kath and Kim was the shit--haters to the left, please. I also loved Top Model this week. I swear Tyra is self aware, there no WAY a person like that can continue to behave the way she does day after day and not be in on it.

Also, if you're keeping track, everyone on the TV this week is telling Cubs fans they're fucking retarded, and we're all losing our money for when we get old. Does that mean I'm going to have to wait table when I'm 60? I'll save my apron.

Did you watch that episode about pedophilia on Oprah?

Do you ever feel embarrassed for children when they're acting a fool? Like, not toddlers--that's kind of cute, but rather kids aged 8-12 when they think they're being all smart and sassy and all precocious and shit. I feel almost sorry for them, because those kids think they invented those attitudes. But they didn't because I did, of course, when I was that age.

I honestly remember a specific time when I was balancing on a parking curb like a balance beam, singing the theme song to a Frosted Flakes commercial ("Show 'em what you can do! The taste of Kellog's Frosted Flakes brings out the tiger in you. They're grrrrreat!"). My parents were looking at a new house to move us into and I was, apparently, showing them what I could do.

I'm watching Jon and Kate Plus 8 right now, a Christmas episode, where all the kids are caroling, and the older twins are really annoying because they're all hamming it up for the cameras. Those cameras have been there since those girls were 3 and they are now 9, and they still act like it's a fucking pageant. They're gap tooth grins, which are undoubtedly baited by producers who are like they're friggin' godparents by now, really gall me.

I really can't wait to have kids! Mine are gonna be grrrrrreat!

Jon and Kate Plus 8 is good, except when it gets strangely Christian. It's like they try to hide how much their religion dictates their everyday actions, but it squeaks through at strange opportunities. Like when one of the 3-year-old sextuplets recites a biblical verse to Mommy.

The show also is cringe-worthy when the anal-retentiveness of Kate (Mommy) is showcased. For instance, right now in the Christmas episode, Kate has printed out each child's name onto a separate sheet of paper and taped it to a specific (and calculated) spot on the carpet around the living room. This is where the child will sit and open presents!

"It worked wonderfully because they each had their own spot, all their own, which THEY ENJOYED. You say "Go sit on your spot," and half of them were already there."

cute!

This is the real reason I watch the show:

Look how big of a bitch Mady is!




I've stumbled upon a hilarious community of tweenagers who make these compilation videos of the Gosselin sextuplets!

CREEEEEPY! Enjoy!

Are You The Tickler?

I'm watching the episode of King of the Hill where Peggy accidentally becomes a foot fetish internet porn sensation. Her "big, beautiful feet" become an online spectacle thanks to an Arlen director (I think he's voiced by Sydney Pollack?).

"Bill says a lot of college girls get caught up in the dirty internet world," Hank says to comfort Peggy. I love this episode because I relate. I have enormous feet--I wear a size 11 shoe and it's really hard for me to find cute, comfortable footwear! King of the Hill is giving a voice to this issue! PeggysFeet.com is helping empower people all over the world! Finally!

Another thing I love about this episode is that Peggy always plays the swindled, vulnerable, yet lovable victim. Yet she is the overtone of reason in the show! This is another way I relate to Peggy Hill. In my life I play both parts! I'm pretty smart, I think... and reasonable. But I am so gullible and naive! I'll believe anything I read or see, if I want to believe it.

Oh those Axe commercials are so sexist.



Anywho, my car's in the shop again because a new month has began and, hey, what the hell... WHY NOT get a few more punches in the CarX frequent buyer club card. Yeah that doesn't exist. But Darren-from-CarX is probably the only man not related to me that I regularly speak to on the phone.

Going to work at 6, hope my car is done by then so I don't have to maneuver 2 trains and a bus home at 11 pm.

"The way I look at it Peggy, you're like a fully loaded truck, and big tires are part of the package. You pay extra for those fully loaded tires! Why are you crying? You know how much I want a new truck!"

Day 1

It's October tomorrow, and I felt the Fall this morning from the inside of my car (?) as I drove to work. I work at this restaurant which until recently has bored my eyeballs out. I say until recently because an unexpected dramatic twist involving the parking attendant and some black-market parking pass sales has shaken things up a bit.

Mad Men is on the TV. I WATCH A LOT OF TV. I netflixed season 1 after watching season 2 on demand. I really like it a lot--everyone smokes and the women are treated horribly and no one talks about it. Ahh the men are too arrogant and working on Madison Avenue is their excuse for everything.

Also, the curvy secretary girls helped me get over my body image issues!

So here's how my day went. Wake up. Coffee. Dress in all black. Through the motions at work. Traffic home. PJs. TV Tv tv. Call to Ted. HEY I'll start a blog, I read enough of them! That's all so far.

I moved to Chicago two months ago and I have yet to gel with this place. I don't really care to do much of anything yet, seeing as I have no monies, so the TV has helped a lot.

Here are some interesting things I learned about myself and my surroundings today:

1. I'll never smell the Fall because my nieghborhood smells like the sewer. NEXT!
2. I love my new Marc by Marc Jacobs bag from ebay I'm willing to forego the groceries this week to pay it off.
3. I'll never find a boyfriend with so much on my Fall TV schedule.
4. My car requires the most expensive anitfreeze available, and needs more of it before it blows!
5. I love wearing all black.